Music…

When I found out my uncle died, I couldn’t listen to the radio for a week. The only music I could listen to was music without lyrics… at work I listened to David Lanz play the piano… in the car I simply drove in silence, nothing but the whir of the tires in my ears. I couldn’t listen to music because I just simply couldn’t sing. And I can’t listen to a good song without singing along… it’s what I do. I sing. But, apparently only when I’m happy.

Sometimes a good song, good lyrics, can get me out of a mood. When I broke up with J, I listened to a song by Carrie Underwood over and over and over and over again, because she was saying exactly what I needed to hear:

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt, I guess I’m gonna have to cry and let go of some things I’ve loved to get to the other side. I guess it’s gonna break me down, like falling when you try to fly. It’s sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life, starts with goodbye.

Those words got me through the first few days better than anything else could have.

If I’m in a bad mood, often the radio just pisses me off more. Occasionally I’ll hear a song that perks me up a bit, but before too long, I’ll punch the button off and brood once again in silence… hating the radio for its stupid songs and its inability to cheer me up.

It’s funny how intense my reaction can be to music… how it can make or break my day… lighten my mood or depress me… I used to think that singing could always lure me out of the dark. And, I suppose if the song is right, it still can. But last week, for the first time I can ever remember, I couldn’t sing. I couldn’t fathom the idea of singing when everyone around me was so sad… even at the funeral, my tears fell more freely during the music than during any other part.

Music is such a part of me… a release… a refuge… it scares me that I lost it last week at a time when I needed it most. Yet, I didn’t lose it completely… not really… I simply found its comfort in another form…

I guess sometimes it’s okay to lean… sometimes other voices, other songs, are simply stronger than your own…