Katie I Am

This afternoon I curled up on my bed to begin reading a book by Danielle Steel (I’m on vacation… don’t judge). On a page in the front matter was an excerpt from Andrew Boyd’s Daily Afflictions. I’ve never heard of Andrew Boyd before, but I liked the excerpt, so I did what every tech-savvy individual my age does, and I googled him. This is what the book’s Web page says:

Revolutionizing the best-selling genre, this thinking man’s parody hijacks the format of daily affirmations, but offers a different message: only in paradox, truth; only in darkness, light; only in affliction, affirmation. These “daily afflictions” offer readers inspiration, practical advice, and food for thought, as they navigate the jungle of existential terror that begins anew each day. [...]

Part spiritual autobiography, part ironic meditation, this tragi-comic guide to life’s sublime predicaments will elevate and educate the spirit.

The truth will set you free, Brother Void reminds us, but first it will hurt like hell.

Boyd’s purpose in life, really, is to get people to think about things in a different way… in a different light. His main objective is to: “grab a powerful idea from the culture or the academy, turn it inside-out, put a handle and a grin on it, and send it back out there.”… which is exactly what happened when I read his excerpt in my Danielle Steel book.

We are all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong.
    Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. It isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons—your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you who you truly are—that you’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you are looking for.
    You are looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the “right” wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”
    I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.
                                             —Andrew Boyd, Daily Afflictions

I’m not sure I entirely understand this, but it’s not a new idea. Leann Rimes sings about it in her song “Right Kind of Wrong” when she says, “Loving you isn’t really something I should do/ Shouldn’t wanna spend my time with you/ That I should try to be strong/ But baby you’re the right kind of wrong/ Yeah baby you’re the right kind of wrong.”

I think the main point Boyd is trying to make is that we first must love and accept ourselves… which also is not a new concept. Once you accept your own “wrongness” and learn to live with it, then you can accept someone else’s “wrongness” as “the problem” you want to have… in other words, I can’t handle snoring, but if I fall in love with a man who snores, him snoring next to me and me not being able to sleep because of it is a problem I would then be willing to have (a minor issue, but an example nonetheless).

I feel like there’s so much more I could go into about this, but this post is already long enough as it is… maybe I’ll come up with more tomorrow after I’ve had some time to digest it all…

A foal scrambles up onto wobbly legs within minutes of exiting the womb. Within hours it can gallop away from the nearest predator. It knows just where to look for milk, and it learns every survival instinct from its mother and its herd.

Same with a calf. Or a fawn.

A kitten is born with its eyes closed. It can find milk, but it’s difficult unless mama nudges it there. Its legs are short and weak, and it inches around on its belly at first using its feet as flipper-like appendages that push it along. It is vulnerable to every predator that crosses its path. It relies solely on mom.

Same with a puppy. Or a rabbit.

Or a baby.

It’s amazing to me that something so infinitely perfect comes out of a woman’s womb. It’s amazing to me that she knows how to suck and how to grab. It’s amazing to me that she has 10 little fingers and 10 little toes each with a tiny little fingernail. It’s amazing to me that her entire life is in our hands.

Birth is an incredible thing. Instincts are an incredible thing. Nature and life is absolutely amazing.

I don’t really understand it. How it all works. But that’s what makes it so perfect. The idea that no matter how impossible it seems, it doesn’t matter. Because it’s real. It happens. It’s life. Infinitely perfect in its astounding, incredibly unbelievable way.

And not understanding it, in my opinion, is the best part of all.

I have so much going on in my head right now, I don’t really know where to start. Part of me doesn’t want to delve into it because I’m afraid of what I might discover… I’m afraid that if I dig too deep, I won’t like what the rational side of me will have to say.

It didn’t work out with Tim. But I’m guessing you all figured that out with this post. And surprise surprise, it had nothing to do with him. He was great. He really was. I just didn’t feel it. Which is always the case with me lately. And more and more I’m beginning to realize that I won’t ever feel it with a guy until I quit feeling it for the other guy. And the biggest problem is, I don’t want to quit feeling it for the other guy… I just want him to move back here and feel the same way and have my happy-ever-after ending… an ending I’m not even sure he’d give me if he could.

I don’t really know where to go from here.

Because tonight this little baby kitten is in my care… my Grandma found him abandoned, and all he wants is to be held. He’s purring in my lap right now.

Awww…

He called me gorgeous, and I knew he meant it by the way he was looking at me.

you used to look at me like that

He held my hand and brushed my hair off my face and listened to every word I had to say.

you used to want me near you always

He gave me goosebumps when he whispered in my ear.

you used to give me butterflies with simply a look and a dimple

He kissed me.

and all I could think about was you